


Will You Love Me Again Like You Loved Me Before?

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: The Story of Us [3]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 03:01:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/947839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I wanted to take it to my grave because the idea of even an hour of weakness and indiscretion ruining everything we've built together made me want to die.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Will You Love Me Again Like You Loved Me Before?

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: There are possible triggers in this story, talk of child death, and allusions to suicide.
> 
> Author’s Note: Again, I'm not gonna say its AU because there's no proof it didn’t happen exactly this way. The only thing I can say for sure is no matter how hard I try I'm never gonna get the math/timeline right for these characters. This is future fic for this ship but past fic for canon, yeah, I know and I apologize for it all beforehand. The title comes from the Boyz II Men song, End of the Road, though it was Phil Collins’ Against All Odds which gave me the idea.

** SUMMER 1995 **

“What was her name?” 

“I don’t really think…”

“Tell me her name.”

“Erin…”

“Goddammit, what was her name!” she exclaimed.

“I don't know!” Mark shouted. He didn’t like to shout. He was good at it and it often provided a good means to an end. But that was in his work, rarely at home. Nothing at home was how it used to be.

“You don’t know? You stuck your cock in some random woman and didn’t even have the decency to find out her name? Did you wear a condom or are you confessing now because it suddenly hurts to pee?”

“I know you're angry. You have every right to be livid.”

“Don’t you dare tell me what I have a right to be. You son of a bitch.” Erin punched his chest. “You goddamn son of a bitch! How could you…?” she backed away from him clutching her stomach.

“Are you…Erin, are you alright?” Mark rushed to her side but she pushed him away.

“Don’t touch me. You will never touch me again.”

“I couldn’t keep it from you anymore.” Mark threw up his hands in surrender. “I wanted to. I wanted to take it to my grave because the idea of even an hour of weakness and indiscretion ruining everything we've built together made me want to die.”

“You're still alive.” Erin sat down on the chair. 

She was having stomach pains again but didn’t know why. Kirk said it was stress. She was trying to do it all; didn’t know when to put on the brakes. Erin didn’t plan on giving all the men around her the satisfaction of seeing her falter. She could be a wife, mother, and top notch FBI agent. It wasn’t impossible.

“I've barely been living for months.” Mark said. “You won't even look at me.”

“Are you trying to blame this on me? Are you saying it’s all my fault? Do you really want to go there?”

“I don’t want to go anywhere.” He shook his head. “A million times I've tried to reach out to you. I wanted to talk; I wanted to talk to you, Erin. Ever since the miscarriage…”

“It wasn’t a miscarriage, Mark. You keep calling it that but it was not a damn miscarriage. Our child died, and he died inside of me. I was eight months pregnant and he died. They had to deliver him stillborn. Don’t you remember, you were there?”

“We don’t have to…”

“What? We don’t have to talk about it? You said you wanted to talk, Mark. You wanted to reach out so badly but you couldn’t so you turned to another woman.”

“It was one time.”

“Wow, that makes me feel so much better.” Erin couldn’t hide her disdain or sadness. “I want you out. This marriage is over.”

“I made a huge mistake, and I know it. I don’t want to lose you, schatzi. You and my girls mean the whole world to me.”

She turned her back on him. “You make me sick.”

“There's no excuse for what I've done or how it affects the people I love.” He said. “I know that.”

“That sounds like the beginning of a political apology. I don’t want to hear it, Mark. There are no cameras here. I'm not going to play your adoring audience.”

“I'm just asking for 15 minutes. I don’t think anything will make this better, and I may not deserve it, but I want to talk. Please.”

“No.” she shook her head.

“Erin…”

“Why should I?” she turned and looked at him.

“Because I've loved you for a decade. Because you're the only woman I've ever loved. Because this might be the last thing you let me say to you so I want to say it right. No, I can never say it right. I need to say it anyway.”

She didn’t say a word. It felt like the ground was crumbling beneath her feet. For nearly a year, since the death of their son, Erin had been running. Sometimes she had no idea what she was running from or to. If she stopped then it would all be over. 

She’d just stopped. Unable to stand for another moment, Erin practically fell into a chair. She didn’t have the strength. There was no way to physically remove Mark from the room or house. The idea of him actually walking out of the door made her want to scream in agony. She didn’t want to lose her husband.

She wanted to tell him how hard she tried to hold on but just couldn’t get a grip. She wanted to tell him that she loved him and would always love him and they could get through anything. Erin hated herself for feeling so weak. Erin hated herself for a lot of things.

“What happened? Please, I don’t want the gory details but I want to know why Mark. God help me but I have to know why. How did it come to this?”

“It was one time, one woman; I swear to God.” Mark sat on the end of the bed and put his face in his hands. 

He’d gone over this a million times in his head. He was going to tell her; the guilt and hatred would finally be gone. He’d be clear, concise, and the worse would be over. Mark didn’t think he'd ever been so wrong about anything in his life. How could he have been dumb enough to think otherwise?

“It was four months ago, when the delegation went to Vienna for the Human Rights Conference. I was restless and couldn’t sleep. I took a long walk, finally making my way back to the hotel and the bar. I knew I couldn’t get drunk because there was too much to do in the morning but I had to do something. She just said hello to me and it went from there. 

She was talking to me, Erin.” He put his hand over his heart. “She said I looked exhausted; asked me if I was alright. Her voice sounded so genuine and concerned. It reached into that dark place in the pit of stomach and flicked it on like a light switch. 

“I just started talking back. I opened my mouth and it all came out. In hindsight it was so stupid. She could’ve been anyone; I just told her everything.”

“And how did your light switch moment turn into sex?” she asked. 

Erin needed him to stop beating around the bush. Actually she needed him to drop dead. If he dropped dead in front of her right now then maybe the pain would go away. She didn’t think she’d hurt this much in a long time. After finally getting the physical pain under some kind of control, no matter how false, Erin was sure that had all been shot to hell.

“That was never my intent. We just talked and I admit that I was a little tipsy. She asked me to walk her to her room…said one of the concierges had been creepy the past few nights. She kissed me first, it’s no excuse Erin but she kissed me. 

“It was a thank you for walking her to her door. She kissed me and I didn’t walk away. I'm a married man, had no interest in being with another woman. But I didn’t walk away.”

“Was it good?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Mark said.

“You don’t know what I mean?” Erin looked at him with tears brimming in her eyes. “I mean did you enjoy fucking her. Did you know how to make her come? Did she cry out your name or leave scratch marks on your back? Did you lie in bed beside me and think about your night with her?”

“She gave me a blowjob.” Mark sighed. Saying it aloud made him sick. “Afterwards she tried to undress me. Something in my head must have clicked because I got the hell out of there. I put my dick back in my pants and I ran. My entire life is going to hell for a blowjob. It’s my fault, I did it, but…”

“But what?”

“We need to talk about what's caused this strain in our relationship.”

“You betrayed me and want me to take some of the blame?” Erin laughed. It was mirthless and slightly maniacal. “The size of your balls, Mark Cramer.”

“I'm just asking you to open your eyes.” Mark said. “I didn’t drive us to this place, Erin. We’re here just the same.”

“You’ve had your 15 minutes.” She stood up from the chair. A little shaky on her feet, Erin did her best to stand tall. “Now you can leave.”

“Are you going to call Dave Rossi and cry on his shoulder? He's never turned you away when he has an opportunity to swoop down and rescue you.”

“I'm not having an affair with David Rossi!” Erin shouted and pointed at him. “Don’t you turn this on me.”

“I'm not having an affair either. I made a huge mistake and I'm trying to rectify it.”

“What do you want me to do, Mark? Do you want me to open my arms and comfort you because you decided to come clean about some whore giving you a blowjob in Vienna?”

“I just want to talk. I want things to be right again. This is our chance. Win or lose, we can put it all on the table.”

“You don’t want to leave, fine, then I’ll leave. I’ll stay at Kirk’s for the weekend. The girls love going to Uncle Kirk’s.”

“You're not taking my daughters anywhere.” He said.

“Your daughters? I gave birth to them. I will take them to space if I want to.”

“Stop.” Mark held up his hands. “I’ll sleep in the study. I’ll stay as far away from you as you want but you have to promise me that you won't take the girls out of here tonight. I'm worried about you, schatzi. I have been for a long time and all you do is push me away. I don’t know what else to do.”

The silence was heavy and immeasurable. Mark yearned to reach out to her. He could barely breathe; the air filling and emptying his lungs was toxic. Not really knowing why, Mark backed out of the bedroom. He closed the door behind him. 

The first few minutes he just stood there in the hallway confused. He'd had some bad days in his life, it wasn’t as charmed as everyone thought, but today came pretty close to the worse. Mark did the only thing that made sense to him when the world kicked him in the nuts. He went into his daughters’ room and watched them sleep. Nora Evangeline would be six at the end of September and Mary Katherine Joanna had just turned three. 

His little girls, and their mother, were everything to Mark. He knew a lot of people in unhappy relationships and marriages. The truth was that he wasn’t. He and Erin worked a lot; intimate time as a couple and family wasn’t always easy. For the past eight months it was practically nonexistent. 

The death of their son hit the couple hard. It was a situation that would knock anyone off their feet. They were ready for his arrival. The nursery was done, Alex came from New York with Erin’s mother to throw a baby shower. The whole family was excited. 

Mark thought his wife was being paranoid when she asked to go to the hospital that night. He took her anyway when he saw the look on Erin’s face. She hadn’t felt Gray move all day. He was a kicker; her son loved to move around. Something was wrong. 

They tried for nearly 20 minutes to find his heartbeat in the ER but couldn’t. Doctors had to deliver the stillborn infant, which was traumatic for his parents. Mark called it a miscarriage because he didn’t know what to say. In his mind, he knew that Gray was dead. 

The words always stopped just before coming out of his mouth. Nothing about it was easy but Mark was able to find a place in his mind and the world where it was almost bearable. He knew his wife hadn’t found that place. As much as he tried to help, they couldn’t hold onto each other. Mark was sure that his indiscretion permanently tore apart whatever chance they had left.

000

She was so tired of crying. Erin was just tired. The past eight months were mostly a blur. She’d been on autopilot since the night her son died. Graydon Nicholas Cramer never took a breath.

Erin insisted on a proper Christian burial even if she was an agnostic at best. After that she was done. The only time she remembered vividly was the thirty day leave of absence from the Bureau after the stillbirth. When she returned, Erin threw everything into the job. She took happy pills to get through the day and sleeping pills to get through the night. 

What the pills couldn’t numb, cocktails did the rest. There was more than one night that Mark had to put her to bed because she’d had a little too much to drink. Erin was ashamed but didn’t know how to get back on track. She was talking to a professional; learned a long time ago not to be afraid of help. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t tried a million times to crawl out of the darkness. 

What Mark told her tonight pushed her even deeper into the hole. Was she so repulsive to her husband that he turned to another woman? They'd had sex a few times in the past six months but Erin was no idiot. She knew it left them both wanting. It wasn’t just a sexual want. 

From pretty early on in their relationship, the chemistry between them was off the charts. That seemed like so long ago now. Erin thought she was fighting her way back to that. What was the point of fighting if there was nothing left? She didn’t even know if she believed Mark when he said one blowjob and one woman. He’d never lied to her before…they didn’t need to do that. 

There were so many things happening that Erin hardly knew what was real and what was her mind playing tricks on her. She sat up on the bed, wiping her messy face. Then she grabbed a pillow, put her face in it, and screamed. It didn’t feel good; it felt wretched. Erin did it again. The rage inside her chest, which she had no idea what to do with, died down just enough for her to breathe. 

She made her way out onto the master bedroom balcony. This house was her dream. She and Mark moved to McLean, Virginia a year after they got married, right after Nora was born. There were so many good memories in this house. Erin didn’t want to taint it. Bad things happened but not in her house.

Sitting down on the wrought iron chair, she took a cigarette from the pack of Parliaments beside her and lit it. The tears were falling again but at least she wasn’t sobbing. Her hand trembled as she smoked her cigarette. These days Erin didn’t know if that was from her emotional state or the pills she took trying to control her emotional state. She didn’t like feeling high, or low…something was going to have to give soon. 

Only half of the cigarette was smoked; it started to make her stomach sick. Erin went back inside, closing and locking the French doors behind her. She got back in the bed and slid under the blanket. Her Valium was inside her nightstand drawer. She was hopeful it would calm her enough to sleep. 

She popped the top and took one pill out. Even though going into the bathroom for a glass of water was a better idea, Erin swallowed it with some of the now warm vodka tonic on her nightstand. Then she took another and did the same. And another, and another. 

She dropped the pills back into the open drawer without the top. The sound of them scattering across the wood sounded so far away. Erin fell back on the pillows and closed her eyes. She didn’t know how long it would take for the darkness to rush toward her but she had no plans to fight it when it did.

***


End file.
